Great Breakthroughs

I have discovered – and I’m expecting the Nobel Institute to be on the phone any day now – that my bike goes a lot faster when both its mudguards aren’t rubbing against the wheels. It has been making a horrible whirring squeaking rubbing noise for a while now, and even the flattest part of Lambeth has begun to feel strangely hilly, so on Wednesday I got out my garden wire and my secateurs (why, what do you fix your bike with?) and reattached the mudguards – which had been hanging on front and back by a strut apiece and some rust – to the frame. Suddenly I can get to the station in half the time and with half the effort. The only problem is that now that I’m riding a stealth bike, pedestrians and pigeons are even more reluctant to get out of its way.

But I’m not the only one pushing back the frontiers of knowledge this week. I bet you thought that trains could only either be cancelled, or not cancelled. But the station staff at Vauxhall have found a third way. As I was leaving this evening I heard the following announcement:

‘Passengers on platform three awaiting the Richmond train, this train is no longer expected to leave London Waterloo.’

It’s not cancelled, you see. It’s just not going anywhere…


7 responses to “Great Breakthroughs

  1. You mean to say that you have a bike that doesn’t rattle or squeak!
    As for using garden wire and secateurs that shows ingenuity!

  2. I was just thinking about my own bike, which is currently sitting in my shed.

    I haven’t had mud gaurds on any of my bikes in years, which I really disliked when ridings from Camden to Edgware every day and ending up with a wet backside for the day.

  3. there is someone somewhere who is making a lot of money thinking up these excuse’s for train companys. come to think about it he proberly works for the goverment too.
    cheers john

  4. Flighty – well the bolts had rusted off so there wasn’t much alternative
    Station Sup – it’s not doing you much good sitting in a shed – saddle up!
    John – I’m sure they’re all computer generated these days

  5. Perhaps said train was feeling shy that day. You know, all those tracks and the Big Trains might bully it…..

  6. yeah, they can be bastards some of those big intercities…

  7. You make it sound like Thomas the Tank Engine.
    Come to think of it, be thankful you don’t use that service – accidents seem to happen on a daily basis!

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