I have discovered – and I’m expecting the Nobel Institute to be on the phone any day now – that my bike goes a lot faster when both its mudguards aren’t rubbing against the wheels. It has been making a horrible whirring squeaking rubbing noise for a while now, and even the flattest part of Lambeth has begun to feel strangely hilly, so on Wednesday I got out my garden wire and my secateurs (why, what do you fix your bike with?) and reattached the mudguards – which had been hanging on front and back by a strut apiece and some rust – to the frame. Suddenly I can get to the station in half the time and with half the effort. The only problem is that now that I’m riding a stealth bike, pedestrians and pigeons are even more reluctant to get out of its way.
But I’m not the only one pushing back the frontiers of knowledge this week. I bet you thought that trains could only either be cancelled, or not cancelled. But the station staff at Vauxhall have found a third way. As I was leaving this evening I heard the following announcement:
‘Passengers on platform three awaiting the Richmond train, this train is no longer expected to leave London Waterloo.’
It’s not cancelled, you see. It’s just not going anywhere…