As part of the whole London Freewheel bicycle extravaganza, I received my participant’s pack complete with a jaunty London Freewheel bicycle bell. Now, I’ve never been entirely convinced about the whole bicycle bell thing, and I’m still holding out for an air horn, but the last time I posted on the subject a persuasive commenter made the case for getting a proper jangly bicycle bell that would warn the pedestrians and anyone else that I was around. So I duly fitted the bell, and very stylish and jangly it is too.
But utterly useless. I tried it out in a variety of situations today, and here are the results in full:
Large cluster of pigeons in a feeding frenzy over some particularly delicious vomit in the middle of the road: no effect
Large cluster of revellers spilling out of a nightclub at 7:30 in the morning: no effect
Jogger using the clearly marked cycle lane as his own personal training track: no effect
In fact the only person who actually moved to get out of my way this evening was the dark-clad woman carrying the dark-clad baby who stepped suddenly out in front of me without looking onto the badly lit road and I hadn’t actually rung my bell as – given the circumstances – I’d decided to use my bell-ringing hand to jam on my front brakes instead. This seems to me to be the main design flaw with bicycle bells. That and the fact that every bugger ignores them anyway…
Disgruntled Commuter 
So what have the Catflaps and Submarines in the title have to do with this entry? Apart, that is, from generating a comment such as this!
As in as useless as a catflap on a submarine …
Silly me missing the obvious!
You can’t beat an air horn. We have one bus with a horn as loud as your bell, which people ignore until they notice how big a bus looks when it is 2 feet away.
I find hollering at the top of my voice is more effective than any bell.
You need the handlebar machine guns I have fitted.
I find a good long string of blasphemy tends to work. Especially for American students looking the wrong way when crossing the road…
Hmm, so shouting or violence are the only options? Although I reckon even handlebar mounted machine guns won’t shift the average London pigeon from the really tasty vomit.
Try ringing it from about 100 yards away and keep on ringing it until they take notice. If they are so lost in their own little world that they fail to hear you, just clip them over the back of the head as you go by.
Some people are so zoned out, an air horn would have no effect.
I also find that some people act like rabbits caught in the spotlight when they hear the bell. They jump one way, then the other, then back again. The best things to have are good brakes and an escape route.
I actually cycled into someone (not deliberately) who did that once. He kept stepping into my path, whichever way I turned to avoid him. Fortunately by the time we actually collided, I had slowed down enough that no-one was hurt.
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