I know I’ve said this before but I’m saying it again, only this time louder:
RIGHT! LISTEN UP RAT-BIRDS OF LONDON! THIS ONE’S FOR YOU! Those grey flappy feathery things on sides of your bodies? They’re wings. You use them for flying with. Remember flying? Up there in the air, above the traffic, out of the way of the bikes? Yeah, flying. Not waddling. So when you hear an approaching clanking rattling noise and see something cycling towards you on the road, wearing a great deal of scary yellow, you should use those grey flappy things (if they still work) to take off and get out of the way. You should NOT continue calmly pecking on whatever it is you eat on the road (your fellow pigeons?) before wandering lazily into the path of the approaching cyclist. Nor should you wait until the very last minute and then take off straight towards the cyclist because that makes the cyclist swear mightily and swerve into the path of the oncoming traffic. No, just see the cyclist, stop pecking, and fly away. All the other birds seem to manage it – why can’t you?
Meanwhile, where can I get a ‘I brake and serve wildly for pigeons’ sticker for the back of my bike?