Nothing* interesting happened to me today – it was Monday, what do you expect – so I’m reduced to relaying stories that others have told me. We were discussing the perils of cycling over Putney Bridge and a colleague told me the tale of a friend of his who got cut up on his bike there by a 4X4 driver. Unfortunately for the driver, they subsequently got stuck in a traffic jam, allowing the friend to cycle up alongside, reach into the opened window, and remove the keys from the ignition. Oh Sweet Revenge. It would have been sweeter if he’d then chucked them into the Thames (or at least – because that would probably count as criminal damage – chucked something that looked like the keys into the Thames), instead of giving them back, but everyone’s a critic…

So, as I’m short of material today, I’ll let you lot do the writing: What small but perfectly-formed acts of urban revenge have you or your friends or friends of friends actually committed? And which ones have you just fantasised about?

*Well, almost nothing. I did notice that the otherwise soberly besuited middle-aged chap sitting opposite me on the train this evening was wearing scratch-n-sniff socks, but even I can’t eke that out into a whole blog entry.


12 responses to “Anecdotage

  1. Whenever someone driving is chatting on their mobile phone and nearly drives into the back of me I’d like to give then an enema using said instrument!

    I used to know a nice old lady who always returned any litter chucked out of car windows if she could, usually onto the drivers lap!

  2. Now that’s my kind of little old lady …

  3. i live in a part of oxford which is very nice and so attracts lots of visiters when the weather is nice.

    there is a nice pub by the river and near by a big open common were people walk their dogs.

    on weekends and bank holidays the place can get busy and as there are no parking restrictions the cars get everywhere. one day a car parked by the gate that give access to the local farmers field, i told the driver that he should find somewhere else to park but he ignored me later that day the farmer came along opened the gate and used a huge forklift truck to deposit the car inside the field and then locked the gate. later the driver would not accept that i did not know where the farmer was as i explained that he could be anywhere out in the fields working. he got the car back at about 10 that night.

    cheers john

  4. I’m afraid as I’m on a bike and there is never that much traffic to catch people, I never get to enact any revenge, I just heckle when they cut me up. I am so jealous of the guy getting the key swiping opportunity.

  5. Sorry to sound ignorant but what are scratch-n-sniff socks?

  6. On our road we have someone who owns a massive vehicle (like a 4×4 with this extra large bit on the back) with the words WARRIOR written on the side. Cos everyone needs a monster warrior in a suburban street, don’t they.

    I’ve considered getting bumper stickers made with a message along the lines of “no on suspect I have a small penis” in bold letters. This I would stick on the backs of these oversized vehicles and penis extension cars

    Who knows how long they’d be driving around the place with the sticker before they notice…

  7. TK – I don’t know, it’s just that’s what was written on them.

    Keep the revenge stories coming…

  8. I often used to send “punters” the lon way round. If thet pissed me off on the station and then wanted to know how to get somewhere, I would send them a long way around the system, with as many changes as possible. Either that or reply with total gibberish.

  9. Oh, that might explain some of the directions I’ve been getting these days …

  10. I was once cut up by a car that overtook me approaching a junction and then turned left on me. She too got stuck in traffic, so I gave her a pleasant lesson on the error of her ways. She refused to accept that she’d done anything wrong, so I turned to her c. 10 year old daughter and said “well, I just hope you don’t grow up to be as bad a driver as your mother”. I didn’t hang around to find out how that had gone down!

  11. Oh, and like the old lady Flighty mentioned, I too would love to get the opportunity to throw rubbish back into the car that ejected it – preferably a burning cigarette right on their lap!

  12. If there was only a way of getting the ten gallons of dirty puddle water you’ve just been drenched with into a car window, that’s what I’d want to do …

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