Funny Ho Hum

Following on from Friday’s entry, the guard this morning was actually triple tasking: not content with combining ticket-selling with whistle-blowing, he decided to also try his hand at a bit of standup. He started off just pottering through the carriage as normal, until he got to Clapham where he had to hold the doors for a couple of passengers who were belting onto the platform at the last minute. Having told off the young woman who got on last for ‘gripping the train’ (apparently it ‘buggers them up’ – I think he meant the schedule, rather than the actual rolling stock, but who knows) he then asked her if she was buying her ticket. ‘Buy it the night before,’ he told her, then announcing it to the carriage at large: ‘You lot do know you can do that don’t you? Now, hands up who wants a ticket from me this morning? Nobody? Right, who’s got a ticket then? I want a big resounding yes from everyone who’s got their ticket.’ Needless to say it would take more than that to rouse a train carriage to audible speech at that hour of a Monday morning. ‘What, shy are we?’ Having elicited nothing more than a few weak smiles and not a few rolled eyeballs he went to try his luck in the next carriage which didn’t sound much more lively. A rare case of wanting to suggest to someone that they _do_ give up the day job. Ah well, at least his artistic ambitions were confined to comedy and not, say, opera or Elvis impersonating.

Even less amusing were the announcements all over the platforms this evening about Friday’s strike, which looks like it’s going ahead. You can usually get advance warnings of these sort of actions from The Ticket Collector, and now it seems to be official. More when I know more, and stand by for advanced disgruntlement on Friday


7 responses to “Funny Ho Hum

  1. You should have torn him apart, silent munching his flesh with your pointy commuter teeth like we do on the Blackfriars line.

  2. Gosh Moobs how many guards have you guys eaten? And do you cook them first or just rip ’em apart raw?

  3. Hehehe it is a true fact that you will often come across the strangest of folk on public transport.

    There was a regular Bus that I used to catch at my last address, and every now and again the driver would change and during that week the regular passengers on said bus would have to suffer the MAD RAMBLINGS of what I can only describe as possibly an X FairGround ride worker or owner.

    Along the road we would go, and everytime we stopped to pick up passengers he would sing,

    “Hold Tight now, here we go”

    “Last one on gives the rest a push”

    and whenever we went through the speed filter traps he would sing to us all,

    “Breath in”

    and then eventually about 30 seconds after we had gone through the speed fitlers he would say,



    He would sing allsorts of weird things like,

    “Next Stop – The Big Apple”


    “Anybody going on a Holiday?”

    “Come On Smile Kids it’s all the fun of the fair” etc etc

    Guy was crazy insane hehe


  4. Hyperion – anyone ever shout ‘taxi’?

  5. HAHAH yeah perhaps that would of shut him up hehe.

    Have to remember that one


  6. We like them raw. It’s a mercy really because something worse would happen to them if they got as far as Sutton.

  7. train guard sushi … ewww. I’d worry about salmonella if I were you.

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