A Public Service Announcement

From: the people of London

To: everyone else

We regret to inform you that London is full. We no longer have any vacancies in any of the following categories:

1. People who walk very slowly;
2. People in sports wear who aren’t participating in any sort of sport;
3. People who are wider than a small car;
4. People who stop and stare;
5. People whose photographic activities take up the entire pavement;
6. People wandering aimlessly;
7. People in large groups;
8. Teenage goths;
9. Indeed any teenagers;
10. People whose idea of a good night out is a musical celebrating an Eighties pop group;
11. Overexcited children;
12. Planned engineering works;
13. People in cars;
14. Unfeasibly long buses and
15. Pigeons.

We would like to take the opportunity to thank you for your interest in our world-class city, and apologise for any disappointment this announcement may have caused. If you would still like to be part of the London experience, may we inform you that a small number of vacancies in some or all of the above categories (except pigeons) often open up in October or November when the city is no longer full.

Thank you for your attention.

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25 responses to “A Public Service Announcement

  1. Perhaps, it should be added that these people will have to provide evidence of leaving before next summer?

  2. Yes, definitely. Perhaps we could make them pay a huge deposit? Or just take one of their children hostage (but then we’d be stuck with the children)

  3. *snorts with laughter at no. 10, particularly*

  4. oooh thanks for the sweetie … I hope you weren’t drinking coffee when you snorted, I find it tends to come out of my nose if that happens

  5. Luckily I had just put my coffee down before reading, as it makes a heck of a mess of the keyboard when recycled via the nose.

  6. Mmmm. Snotty coffee … nice. Clears out the old nasal passages though

  7. Will I be okay to come down end of november/december time then? I fear I may be a terribly slow walker though I am pleased that you didn’t list people with very poor underground navigational skills, as that would’ve ruled me out.

  8. As long as you’re not one of those who stop dead as they get through the underground gates to look at their map, thus bottlenecking the queue, then we’ll forgive you, Amy.

  9. Not quite! I’m the stupid one that goes striding through bold as brass then realises she has no clue whether she should be going northbound or eastbound so walks back and forth a few times getting in peoples way!

  10. amy – that should be fine. Just show your return ticket at the border, and leave your first born as surety that you will leave

  11. I’d like to add one more – ginormous backpacks that the owner cannot control.
    Oh, and then there is the HUGE suitcase on wheels trailing behind and blocking the path…..
    Can you not tell I am on the Gatwick-Luton route daily????

  12. damn, you’re right, I forgot luggage …

  13. visa system maybe?

  14. yeah but the bastard pigeons would just fly over the border controls and make a mockery of the whole system…

  15. u just cant win can you.

  16. not with pigeons anyway…

  17. (I can’t help thinking these regulations would improve the place no end, barring, say, the pigeons, which have plenty of meat of them if you’re really desperate).
    I’ve got the answer.
    Yes.
    It’s like this:
    STILTS!
    We put all the London buildings on stilts. Then there’ll be plenty of room. We build enormous car-jacks, and lever the buildings up, and put the stilts underneath. Great big thumping concrete ones.
    And if they are too wide – we can put them on stilts! Yes!!
    *dragged away by 20six security*
    Because……STILTS…..yes, because…..get off me! STILTS!

  18. Mike … keep taking the medication. You’ll feel better soon … and go easy on the pigeon flesh.

  19. People who stop you in St James Park and insist in six oriental languages that you photograph them against a back drop of overfed pigeons-and, being a bit pedantic now, Transatlantic visitors, who should know better who are equally insistent in referring to Big Ben as a clock.

  20. At least you’re only worrying about pigeons. Here in Aberdeen we have seagulls too.
    Big b*****d seagulls that killed the hawks brought in to control them and that live only to ruin commuters’ clothing.

  21. Sarah – big bastard killer seagulls? They sound great. Do they eat pigeons?
    Huttonian – I think that last one is not confined to the transatlantic visitors …

  22. Unfortunately the seagulls do not appear to eat the pigeons. I don’t know what they eat. Maybe they go out to sea and eat fish at night then return to town in the day…

  23. if so that would be very un-seagull like behaviour …

  24. You know, I thought London was the only place with that problem (and it really is a serious issue. Sod third world hunger, let’s get the wanderers and teenagers off the streets).
    But we have the same in Newcastle. Eldon Square on a Saturday afternoon is a SEA of black and studded belts. It drives me up the WALL. GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. I’m sure Carlisle will take you – their population is at least 70% sheep.
    (No offence to anyone from Carlisle here)

  25. … this post seems to have struck a chord …

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