Tannoy Dreams

Bing Bong … yes that’s right, all of 30 seconds have passed at Vauxhall station without an announcement so it’s time for another spurious security message, nagging reminder, grudging apology or gloating announcement about engineering works. Much as I appreciate SouthWest Trains’ constant communication, modern day organisations are supposed to listen as well as talk, so here are the things we would say, if only we could get our hands on the tannoy:

Bing Bong – this is a security announcement. Please do not leave any trains unattended on the platform. Any unattended trains may be boarded, and if they do not go to the destination we want, may be destroyed

Bing Bong – the passenger approaching platform three is attempting to board the 7:56 service for Weybridge. Please hold the doors. Stand clear please. Make way.

Bing Bong – SouthWest Trains are reminded by all passengers that in order to ensure their punctual arrival at work, they will continue to attempt to board the train as long as it is physically possible. Premature blowing of whistles or sounding of door pips will only cause annoyance. In order to facilitate the smooth running of your services, please use all available trains.

Bing Bong – The passengers would like to announce that this weekend they are planning to have a life and use the trains as usual. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause to your planned engineering works but you have been digging up the track round Vauxhall for months.

I can dream …

Tomorrow and Friday I will be living life on the edge and attempting to use the tube while accompanied by small children … Wish me luck.


7 responses to “Tannoy Dreams

  1. The tube and small children! That’s more like life over the edge. Lots of good luck as I’m sure that you’re going to need it.

  2. rather you than me i think …. which is worse, cycling in london or the tube with small children?

  3. Claire and Flighty – thanks. Don’t worry, I will keep you updated with the horror …

  4. May I add a special announcement
    *Bing Bong* Passengers would like to remind South Western that to ensure a punctual service, timetables should be adhered to or altered sufficiently to allow for any delays occuring on a daily basis. We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause in your pursuit of convincing people that Waterloo can be reached in the timetabled time.
    And the most annoying, when you are running for a train, that one will ALWAYS leave bang on time, and the next one is inevitably running late.
    Welcome to my world re:tube with kids. I have done it for 3 days now… Not good.

  5. thanks! one day down, one to go …

  6. Hehe – I do find South West Trains Tannoys to be a little chatty at times!

  7. Chatty? Chatty doesn’t even begin to describe it. They never shut up. And they’re getting worse

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